Mortimer
by RedHeadedViking
Summary: Linda Shepard recruits a new member for the Normandy crew. One-shot. Just for fun. Rated M: Shepard and Garrus still can't keep their hands off of each other!


**Mortimer**

Garrus stepped into Shepard's cabin, eager to see her after a long day of calibrations. His mandibles flared in a grin when he saw her stretched out on the bed and his body responded enthusiastically in anticipation of what he hoped that meant. True, she was still fully clothed, but that was a situation easily remedied. Moving closer, he realized with a start that she wasn't alone in the bed. He froze, unable to speak as he watched the tableau unfolding before him. Once the initial shock passed, he stormed to the bed and growled, "Shepard! What the hell is going on here?"

Linda actually had the nerve to giggle as she turned to face him. "Oh, hi Garrus! I wasn't expecting you this early. I'd like for you to meet Mortimer, the newest member of our crew." She laughed as Mortimer flirted shamelessly. "We met on Ilium and I just couldn't resist his charms."

Garrus took a deep breath and counted to ten before he trusted himself to speak again. Once his emotions were under control, he said "Next question. _What __the __hell __is __a __Mortimer_?" He stared at the small grey something moving around on the bed seemingly under its own volition.

Shepard reached out and tousled the grey object. "Mortimer is a kitten." Glancing up, she saw the slight confusion on Garrus' face. "A kitten is a baby cat. Surely you're familiar with cats?"

"I've seen adult felines scurrying through the shadows on Omega and the Citadel, but I've never seen one up close. And I've definitely never seen a baby." Garrus knelt next to the bed to get a closer look. "Why, exactly, do you have a kitten?"

"I decided that the Normandy needs a ship's cat."

"A ship's cat?"

"The tradition of ship's cats dates back to ancient times on Earth. Cats were carried on seafaring ships to control the rodent population - and for good luck."

Garrus snorted. "We can certainly use all of _that_ we can get."

"We may not have much of a rodent problem, but Mortimer will serve as our de facto Morale Officer. Spending time around animals greatly reduces stress levels among humans and I'm willing to bet that it will do the same for non-humans." As she talked, Linda played with Mortimer, waggling her fingers and "attacking" him with her hand as would another kitten. "I picked this kitten because he reminds me of you."

"Of me?" Garrus sounded surprised. "How can he possibly remind you of me?"

"Well, he's grey and..." Shepard looked up at Garrus, then yelped as Mortimer pounced her hand and began kicking her wrist, leaving small scratches on her fair skin. "He has attitude," she finished with a smile.

Garrus chuckled, removed one glove, and reached a taloned finger toward the kitten. Mortimer abandoned Shepard's hand and wandered over to sniff the offered appendage; initial inspection completed, he began to nip and kick at Garrus' hand as he had Shepard's. Garrus began to tentatively play with the kitten as he had seen Shepard doing; it wasn't long before a full-fledged kitten versus turian battle was raging. Suddenly, Mortimer collapsed, his head in Garrus' hand. Garrus froze and looked at Shepard with wide eyes. "I think I killed it."

Linda laughed and reached out to stroke the kitten gently. "He's fine. He's asleep."

"Asleep? How can he be asleep? We were just playing!"

"Babies have two speeds: wide-open and asleep." Shepard picked up the slumbering kitten and deposited him carefully in the fuzzy bed that she had purchased for him. She rolled her hips seductively as she strolled slowly back to Garrus. "Since I'm here and you're here and the bed's here, why don't we..."

Before she could finish the sentence, Garrus pulled her to him and rolled to pin her beneath him on the bed. "I thought you'd never ask."

####

Shepard moaned and arched her back, climax imminent. _Just __a __few __more __thrusts __and_...

Garrus froze.

Shepard's eyes flew open. She gasped, "Garrus! What are you doing? Don't stop _now_!" She pushed her hips against him encouragingly.

"Shepard, no. We're being watched."

Confused, Linda glanced at the window over the bed.

"No, not there - _there._" Garrus indicated the unoccupied side of the bed with a slight twitch of his head.

Turning to look, Linda saw Mortimer sitting on the edge of the bed watching them drowsily. She giggled as she wrapped her legs around Garrus' waist, pressing him deeper into her. "Don't tell me you're suffering from kitten-induced performance anxiety?"

Garrus glared at her even as he resumed a slow thrusting motion. "Of course not. I'm just not used to performing for an audience."

Shepard snorted. "That's kind of the definition of performance anxiety." She matched Garrus' rhythm, eliciting a rumble deep in his chest. "Don't worry, I searched him thoroughly before bringing him onboard - no recording devices of any type. There is absolutely no chance of this encounter being broadcast over the extranet."

"Too bad," Garrus growled. "Especially when it's going to have such an _amazing_ finale." He dropped one hand, expertly teasing sensitive flesh as he thrust. As Shepard cried out in release, he chuckled. "Not bad, even if I do say so myself." His chuckle turned into a groan and he shuddered as Shepard's warm moistness contracted around him. A skillfully timed thrust of her hips pushed him over the edge, and his cries blended with hers.

Thoroughly sated, they collapsed in a tangled heap of arms and legs, cuddling close as their breathing returned to normal. Linda hissed as Mortimer suddenly leaped onto her hip, using his claws to secure his position; he then waddled precariously down her thigh and climbed onto Garrus' leg where it was draped over hers. Once in position, he circled carefully and laid down, purring loudly.

Linda rubbed at the tiny wounds on her leg and grumbled to Garrus, "Right now I envy you your thick skin. His claws are like needles!"

Garrus responded with a slight snore; he had drifted off to sleep, still balancing the kitten on his leg.

####

Linda awoke the next morning and rolled over to find Garrus sleeping on his side, Mortimer curled up between his neck and his bony collar. She stroked Garrus' mandible and petted Mortimer whispering, "Wake up, sleepyheads."

Garrus opened his eyes and gave her a smile; Mortimer purred.

Shepard grinned in return. "I think you've been adopted." She scooped up the kitten and deposited him on the floor, then invited Garrus to join her in the shower, promising to make it worth his while.

Later, as they ate, Garrus asked worriedly, "What are we going to do with Mortimer during the day?"

Shepard replied between bites of her breakfast, "For the first few days, he will stay here in the cabin to get used to the smells and sounds of his new surroundings." Before Garrus could interrupt, she added, "Don't worry. We'll take turns checking on him, but he will be fine. He has everything he needs and plenty of places to explore. Besides, he's a cat - he'll sleep most of the time. After that, we'll start taking him out and introducing him to the crew and other areas of the ship. Once he gets bigger, he will have free run of the ship."

####

A few days later, Linda made a quick trip to her cabin to check on Mortimer; he was nowhere to be found. She checked his usual hideouts and even went so far as to check in drawers and in the bathroom, just in case. Baffled, she spoke out loud. "EDI, I can't find Mortimer anywhere. Do _you_ know where he is?"

"Of course, Commander" the AI responded. "Mortimer is in the Main Battery with Garrus."

"Thanks!" Shepard called out as she headed for the elevator.

####

Linda was greeted by the sound of Garrus' voice as the door to the Battery slid open. She stepped in to find Mortimer perched on the corner of the workstation, tail wrapped neatly around his paws, watching the movement of the turian's hands intently.

Garrus completed his task with a flourish, intoning "And _that_ is how you calibrate the Thanix cannon." Mortimer chirped what sounded distinctly like a question and Garrus glanced at the information flowing across the screen. "You're right, the data _is_ slightly off. Wait, I see the problem - we need to adjust the parameters _here_ and _here_." He hit the key to re-run the calibrations and read the results carefully. Nodding, he turned to the kitten. "Much better. Nice catch, Ensign."

Shepard chuckled. "Ensign, is it? Not a bad idea. I'll have to get him a collar with his new rank on it." She stepped over, picked up Mortimer and tucked him into the crook of her elbow. "Now that his first training session is complete, we should begin introducing him to the crew, beginning with the Doctor." She turned and headed to the Med Lab, Garrus following on her heels.

As they passed the Mess Hall, one of the crew members glanced up and noticed Mortimer. "Commander, is that a kitten?"

When Shepard nodded in the affirmative, she was immediately surrounded by crewmen jostling for position; everyone wanted to see and touch the tiny feline. As the women began talking to Mortimer in various forms of high-pitched baby talk, Shepard saw the men rolling their eyes; however, she noticed that they reached out to pet the kitten as well. Everyone was smiling as they returned to their meals.

Shepard grinned up at Garrus as they completed the short walk. "What did I tell you? Mortimer didn't so much as bat an eye at being around so many people." The door opened and she stepped into the Med Lab as she continued, "He is going to be an excellent morale officer."

Doctor Chakwas looked up from her paperwork. "Morale officer? I haven't heard about any new crewmen being assigned to the Normandy."

Shepard presented the kitten with a flourish. "Doctor, I would like for you to meet Mortimer, the newest non-human crew member and Normandy morale officer."

The doctor crossed her arms and arched one steel grey brow at Shepard. "Really, Shepard? A cat?" Breaking into a grin, she took the kitten and began snuggling him under her chin. "I think a ship's cat is an excellent idea!"

"I'm relieved to hear you say that Doc." Linda indicated the fine scratches covering her hands and arms. "As your first task as the newly appointed ship's vet, can you please trim his nails? His claws are killing me."

####

Mortimer adjusted quickly to his new home and while he was fond of Shepard, he showed a marked preference for Garrus. Garrus, in turn, was quite taken with the kitten and they had a nightly play session. Tonight, Garrus was dangling a fuzzy teaser over the end of the bed. Mortimer crept slowly across the floor - commando style. Once in range of his prey, he stopped and prepared to attack, his butt wiggling madly. He launched himself through the air - and missed his target by a good six inches.

Shepard laughed; she didn't know which one of them she enjoyed watching play the most. "Maybe you need to run some calibrations on _him_ - his targeting systems are off."

Garrus picked the kitten up and soothed his wounded pride with kitty treats.

"You know, he's going to weigh a ton if you don't stop feeding him all the time. Didn't you have a pet when you were growing up?"

Garrus shook his head as he stroked the kitten. "No. Pets didn't fit into my father's rather rigid guidelines for family life. Besides, animals on Palaven don't generally lend themselves to cute and fuzzy."

Shepard sat on the couch, sipping hot chocolate. Garrus moved to sit next to her, propping his feet carefully on the table amidst the remains of their evening meal. Cocking his head at her, he asked "So, when are you going to introduce Mortimer to the remaining crew members?"

Linda grimaced. "Me? I could ask you the same thing." Mortimer had been officially introduced to all but the pricklier crew members residing on the Engineering deck. "How about we do it together tomorrow?" She narrowed her eyes before continuing, "And don't you _dare_ say anything about needing to optimize firing algorithms!" Garrus grinned.

"Actually, Commander," EDI broke in, "you won't have to wait that long. Jack is on her way to your cabin as I speak."

Shepard sat up abruptly, narrowly avoiding spilling hot chocolate on her shipsuit. "Jack is coming here? This can't be good." She shook her head. "No matter, please let her in when she arrives, EDI."

Garrus grumbled, "Maybe she's located another rogue Cerberus facility that she wants us to destroy." Shepard shot him a look as the door opened and Jack sauntered in.

"Shepard. You've been holding out. I hear you have a cat on the ship. Where is it?"

"It's name is Mortimer and _he_ is right there." Linda pointed at the small mound of grey fur sprawled on the bed.

Jack ambled to the bed, knelt down and poked Mortimer with one finger. "Hey cat. Wake up."

Mortimer opened one eye and studied Jack briefly. He then slowly made his way to his feet and stretched, front legs fully extended, fanny in the air; he then reversed his position and gave his hind legs an equally good stretch. Fully awake, he then sat, wrapped his tail around his feet and met Jack's gaze squarely. They stared, not blinking, as each took the other's measure. Shepard realized that she was holding her breath as she watched the confrontation.

Finally, with what sounded remarkably like a laugh, Jack blinked, ending the stand-off. Ever the gracious winner, Mortimer sniffed the finger that Jack had not retracted and gave it a small lick. He then walked over and gently rammed his head into her chin and rubbed his cheek across hers, purring loudly.

Jack melted. She picked Mortimer up and held him close, whispering in his ear. After a moment, she flipped him over on his back and began scratching his belly; he stretched out and began to purr even louder. After more whispers and mutual face rubbing, Jack kissed Mortimer on the head, gave him a final pat, then put him back on the bed and left without a word, a huge smile on her face.

Stunned, Shepard and Garrus looked at each other with wide eyes. Shepard spoke first. "You saw that, right?" Garrus nodded in the affirmative. "Good, I was beginning to think that I was having hallucinations." They both stared at the kitten.

Mortimer stuck one hind foot in the air and spread his toes. After tossing a glance at them over his shoulder, he began bathing smugly.

Linda and Garrus burst into laughter.

####

Shepard sighed as she stepped out of the airlock onto the deck of the Normandy SR-2. After being away for several days, it felt good to be back. _There's __no __place __like __home_, she thought as she surveyed her ship with pride.

"Welcome aboard, Commander" Joker called from the cockpit. "It's good to have you back."

"Thanks, Joker. It's good to _be_ back. Did I miss anything exciting while I was away?"

"Exciting? No, that's not the word I'd use." When he saw Shepard begin to scowl, he hurriedly added, "It was nothing bad, Commander. I'm sure Garrus will fill you in on the details." Before Shepard could question him further, the pilot gave her a wave and turned back to his controls, quickly engaging EDI in conversation.

Linda stared at Joker for a moment, curious, then shrugged her shoulders and moved on. As she made her way through the ship, many crew members greeted her cheerfully, but she caught several furtive glances being cast her way. She also noticed a number of whispered conversations that broke up as soon as she came into view. The ship's atmosphere was charged with something that she couldn't place. Anticipation, perhaps? She shook her head and finished making her rounds as quickly as possible.

In the elevator en route to her cabin, Shepard dug in her pack and pulled out the collar she'd had made for Mortimer, the Ensign insignia shining brightly; she couldn't wait to show it to Garrus. She hoped he would be able to explain whatever had come over the crew in her absence.

Shepard glanced at the aquarium as she entered her cabin; the brightly colored fish always brought a smile to her face. Keeping her piscine friends alive while away from the ship had become much easier since Engineer Donnelly had devised an automatic feeding system. As she crossed the room and dropped her pack next to her desk, she heard the low rumble of Garrus' voice coming from the sitting area. She moved down the steps and propped against the hand rail, her smile widening at the sight of her favorite turian; his back was turned and he was talking to someone that she couldn't see.

"Watch out, Mortimer! She's got you in her sights. Oooh - nice tackle, Meriel."

"Hey, handsome. Who is Meriel?" Before the words were out of her mouth, an orange blur flew across the cabin and attached itself to Shepard's ankle. The blur quickly resolved itself into a small kitten, apparently intent on saving the galaxy from the evil depredations of Shepard's footwear.

Shepard looked at Garrus in surprise. Grinning widely, he got up and rescued Linda from her attacker. Holding the kitten - who had now begun gnawing on his finger - at face level, he said "_This_ is Meriel - newest ship's cat and assistant to the morale officer."

As if on cue, Mortimer leaped on the end of the bed and mewed happily at Shepard; she reached over and scratched him on the head before taking Meriel from Garrus for a closer inspection. Meriel's blue eyes studied Shepard seriously for a moment before she began nipping at her fingertips. "Ouch!" Shepard yelped, looking at Garrus. "Does she chew on _everything_?"

Garrus laughed. "Pretty much. The doctor suspects that she is teething. That's a possibility, but I think she just suffers from an appalling excess of personality."

Shepard made her way to the couch, Meriel still chewing on her hand. Once seated, she released the kitten who immediately dashed to the bed and launched herself at Mortimer. A brief tussle ensued, followed by the two kittens tearing back and forth through the cabin at breakneck speeds.

Shepard tossed Mortimer's collar on the table. "I guess I'll need to get another one of these sometime soon."

Garrus joined Shepard on the couch, pressing his forehead to hers affectionately. "Welcome home. I've missed you."

Linda stroked his scarred mandible gently, then kissed him fondly. "I've missed you too." She draped her legs across his before demanding, "OK, spill it. Where did Meriel come from and does this have anything to do with why the crew is acting so strangely?"

Garrus looked somewhat sheepish. "Well, I wanted to get you a gift and I thought that Mortimer needed a friend. So, another kitten seemed like a good choice. I asked for assistance in locating one and the next thing I knew the whole crew was involved." He looked at Shepard seriously. "This crew really cares for you Shepard. They appreciate all that you have done for them- not the least of which was to rescue them from the Collectors."

A flash of sadness crossed Shepard's face. "It's too bad that I couldn't rescue all of them." She turned away from Garrus. He placed his hand under her chin, gently forced her to face him and waited until she met his eyes.

"No one could have done any more than you did - everyone knows that. Those that died at the hands of the Collectors have only served to make the survivors that much more intent to end this war and bring the Reapers to justice. Their assistance in the search for the perfect kitten is just one small way that they could thank you." Garrus pretended not to notice the tears that suddenly filled Shepard's eyes. "I never knew that cats reproduced so prolifically. We had dozens of kittens to choose from."

Shepard smiled, surreptitiously wiping her eyes. "Their propensity for prolific propagation is exactly why these two will be neutered as soon as they are old enough. Two ship's cats are enough."

"Neutered?" Garrus unconsciously placed one hand protectively over his crotch. "Does that mean what I think it means?"

Linda laughed and patted his hand. "Yes, it does. But don't worry, you are in no danger of being a recipient of the same procedure." Snuggling against Garrus' side, she asked, "So why this kitten and who came up with her name?"

Garrus draped his arm around Shepard's shoulder and hugged her. "I used much the same criteria that you used in selecting Mortimer. Meriel has your red hair and blue eyes." A chuckle rumbled through his chest as he added, "She also has your... tenacity." Shepard snorted as he continued, "EDI suggested the name. Mortimer means 'dead sea' so she suggested that we stick with the sea theme; Meriel means 'bright sea'."

"Good suggestion, EDI. I like the name. 'Meriel' is very pretty and it goes well with Mortimer."

"Thank you, Commander." The AI sounded pleased.

The two kittens, tired from their antics, made their way to the sitting area and climbed up onto the couch; Mortimer settled in Garrus' lap, Meriel in Shepard's. A comfortable silence settled over the group, broken only by the purring of the kittens. Shepard smiled to herself as she realized that the picture they presented could be interpreted as a family; she found the idea pleasing.

Apparently Garrus' thoughts were running along the same lines; he spoke quietly, as if afraid to disturb the silence. "Shepard... Have you ever thought about having a family?"

Linda knew from the subtle tension that she could feel in his body that her answer was extremely important to him. She kept her attention focused on the kitten in her lap as she formed her reply. "Not until recently." She looked up to find Garrus watching her, his grey eyes intense. "Not until you. Until us. I've been thinking about it since then." She shrugged. "Of course, we can't have children of our own - I don't think science has advanced to the point where it can overcome the differences in our DNA."

Garrus chuckled. "I've thought about that. Someday this war will end, and when it does there will be scores of orphans, including humans and turians. How would you feel about adopting some of those orphans and raising them as our own?"

Shepard smiled. "I think that I would like that - a lot." She stretched up and kissed Garrus lightly. "Until then, I guess we can practice our parenting skills on these guys," she motioned to the sleeping mounds of fur in their laps.

They settled back into a comfortable silence once again, their plans for the future cemented. Linda was ridiculously happy. She had known that Garrus would be by her side in the final battle with the Reapers and everything leading up to it; it was good to know that he planned to stay there once the war was over.


End file.
